When I opened up my substack this week, I realized that I haven’t spent any time here for a month! Where does the time go?
My September was full of a lot of the things I love to do with the people I love. There was even my nephew’s wedding in the middle! (I finished the quilt just in time!). We had our 24th (?? I think) annual ladies weekend; full of laughs and some Dolly <sniff>. A movie, book shopping and an author talk were visits with friends that remind me that I will be OK. My family was close-by all month long and I’m reminded that I’m never alone.
It felt a little rushed at times, and I’m not sure that I was always in every moment. Sometimes the second half of life feels just as busy as the first. Instead of running after kids and husbands, we are focused on the others in our lives. Women rarely seem to stop, even when we can.
In the space in between, I didn’t stop to take a deep breath.
I didn’t slow down.
Often, I just crashed into bed and stared at a game on my phone. I bought more books in September, but didn’t crack even one open. Instead, I sat at my computer and played a game I don’t even like that much. I numbed and zoned out and stayed up too late.
There have been a few words rattling around in my head about some of the feelings that have come up for me as another summer ends and I’m still alone. Some feelings about a job that I love, but struggle to hide my frustration with. Feelings about living in my friend’s basement that feels like home, but sometimes doesn’t when it’s not my fridge or my couch. Even still (and most annoyingly) feelings about the man who promised me forever but moved on so easily with someone else.
I have typed up a few of these feelings, but I’m like, “UGH, I don’t even want to read that.”
So I backspace + backspace + backspace until it’s gone.
But that’s just it, right? It’s the space between. It doesn’t look like anything in particular. We can fill every moment so that we don’t have to pause; don’t have to think. We can numb so that we don’t have to feel. So that we don’t have to face ourselves in the space between the busy.
But in the in between is the tough-but-so-good stuff:
Sitting with myself and allowing those feelings
Driving in my car and listening to the same song over and over again until the pain eases
Laughing until my cheeks hurt with people who are fixing what they didn’t break
Seeing how truly special my children are. Not perfect, but perfectly mine, he’ll never take that from me
Staring into the backyard fire and feeling more me than I used to be
And so, I am gentle with myself.
I write some words and tuck myself into my queen size bed, with just enough room for me and a book or two.
I’ll see you in the space between,
Shawna