The Things You Couldn’t See
I love watching my oldest son play ball. It brings him joy, and seeing him happy makes me happier! <3 He’s in a tournament this weekend, so I’ve been able to see three games already. I’ve been able to see quite a few this season. I’m their #1 fan!
This photo is of the two of us. It’s a quiet evening, the babies are in bed, the counter is a mess and so is the living room that you can’t see where my ex-husband sits to take this photo. I am grateful for the many photos he took of every day moments like this one.
It’s a peaceful photo. We’re either working on homework or more likely, we’re playing a game. His legs are tucked up underneath him, so he’s more relaxed than if he was doing homework. And I look like I’m reading or focusing on something, so it is likely a game we are playing.
The chaos in the kitchen is not surprising either. And it would have been on my mind. There would have been a lot on my mind, even as I tried to be in that moment with my boy.
I’d just spent weeks going to the hospital every day, willing my NICU baby to finally come home. I’d missed my little girl taking her first steps at the baby-sitter’s. My big boy spent most of that Christmas with his grandparents and my sisters because I was at the hospital so much.
I felt like I was failing at everything.
I felt so alone.
I remember a moment where I was taking a much needed hot bath and I felt like it would be so nice to just slip beneath the water and all the weight of my world would stay above it and I could rest. The moment didn’t last long and I was ashamed of it.
There was nowhere and no one to turn to.
Of course, looking back now, I know my family would have been there in an instant. They always were. I didn’t want them to think less of me though. I wanted them to believe that I was the strong one. I tried so hard to be her.
My ex was oblivious. That was partly my fault because I didn’t ask for help from him either. But he knew. It was why he spent so much time driving that stupid car around until 4 a.m. - getting away from all of it. Why he spent so much time downstairs on the internet, thinking I didn’t know what he was looking at. Why he stayed so long after work, spending money we didn’t have at a men’s club. Yep, that kind of club.
And still I didn’t ask for help. Still, I blamed myself. Still, I tried.
I have always told my oldest that he was the best thing that ever happened to me. That he was an unanswered prayer. That is so very true and this photo proves it.
For it was moments like this one that saved me in those dark days. It was my children that kept me above the water that night.
His laughter and his imagination. His brilliant light that I just can’t miss. Gosh, the stories he used to tell me. That guy can repeat every line from every movie he’s ever seen.
He filled my heart on the days when the laundry overwhelmed me. The dishes didn’t matter when I could have 30 minutes of playing a game with him.
He made me believe that I mattered to someone.
I know he knew I was struggling. Kids know more than we give them credit for. He was so quick to help me with his little brother and sister. Such an amazing big brother. He has always, ALWAYS, been so kind and patient with them. I know I could count on him and I know he had to grow up too soon as he helped me parent the other two. I still feel guilty about that.
Now, in the easier days of living in the second half of life, I am able to see those times with fresh eyes. I am able to be grateful for the struggle because it helped me grow into the person I am. I pray that my children understand how important they are to me. They are my reason.
I capture every moment and every chance I get with each of them now. I am so grateful for the time I spend with them. For the ball games, the movie nights, the game nights and car rides. Every moment means more to me than they will ever know.
I hope they look back and remember the mom in those fun moments. But, I also hope they remember me in the harder times also. I hope they know that I got through those moments because of them. I hope they know that I am here for them when they struggle too. I hope they know that it is the joy and the heartache that makes us who we are.
Until next Sunday, I hope you see that you are not alone.
Here for you,
Shawna