Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?
The Sunday Post
I was joking around with my sisters and daughter yesterday at my soon-to-be niece’s wedding shower. We were asked for advice for the bride and I turned to my girls and said, “Run!” Of course, I didn’t mean it. My nephew is a good man and I’m sure they’ll be happy.
I’m kicking myself a little for saying that in front of my daughter. I did say I was joking and I’ve told her that of course we did love each other for a long time. We were married for almost 25 years; he just didn’t want to be married anymore. Now I see that I didn’t either. But - I did love him and I still do in some ways. Love changes sometimes and that’s okay.
One thing about me is that if I love you, I love you with all of me. That can be a little much sometimes. I’m a little much for people, I’m sure. I am working on my fear of abandonment. On my irrational fear and asking the question: “Will you still love me tomorrow?”
What guarantee is there? How can I be sure that the next person in my life won’t be done with me before I’m ready for them to leave? How can anyone be sure of that? It’s impossible to know and that terrifies me sometimes. It used to make me crazy and unsure and sad.
When I was younger, I’d need constant validation. Looking back at my marriage, I see that there were a lot of things I overlooked so that I could hold on a little while longer. Times that I should have loved myself as much as I loved him. But…there were lessons to be learned and a life to build and I do not regret any of it.
I see my younger self, so desperate for the reassurance that someone would love her. I’d do anything for my children - still do. I’m letting my death grip on them relax so that they can reach for me when they need to instead of forcing myself on them.
Younger me worried about my friends all the time. That unanswered text? It must mean she hates me, not that she’s busy. Out with other friends and I wasn’t invited? That must mean she’s had enough of me and doesn’t want to be around me anymore, not that it’s just a different thing to do and has nothing to do with me.
The constant need for validation is a struggle for me. Even as I write this, I critique what I’m writing thinking, “Geez, this is my second draft and I still think you wouldn’t want to read it.” I want to write for myself and I try to, but at the same time, I worry about what you think of it. I want you to accept me and love me the way I love you.
Even now, as I write this, I catch myself wondering if you’ll like it. I want this work to matter. I want to be accepted. Then I laugh a little because apparently my younger self still sneaks into the room sometimes. I still want everyone to love me. Rational me knows that it’s impossible and not necessary. I don’t love everyone. Why should everyone love me? It doesn’t make sense.
So, here I am thinking about love advice for my niece and my daughter and for myself, really because someday I might get the chance to have a love-of-my-life again. What would be different this time? What advice can I give?
“Will you still love me tomorrow?” Who do you ask this question to?
It isn’t guaranteed that he will love you tomorrow. She might have a new person in her life and still love you too - or not. Even moms or dads can leave and never come back.
It’s okay to be afraid of the answer to that question when you ask someone. We are all afraid of that answer. We all want, no NEED, to belong with others.
However, I am learning to ask that question to someone else. Someone who is with me every single day.
The advice to my niece, my daughter and to myself: The person you need to ask that question to is YOU.
The answer needs to be a resounding, “YES!”
Men leave, parents leave, friends move on. Love changes when it’s outside of you, but you must always end the day with: “Yes, I love you. You showed up. You loved. You tried and tomorrow you will try again. I love you today, tomorrow, and always.”
Thank you for spending part of your Sunday with me.
Until next Sunday, what promise will you make to yourself today that you will still keep tomorrow?
The funny think is once you've been burned you still wonder all the time if it will happen again, even if you've been with your new person for 19 years. :) I say this to let you know you aren't weird for the way you think, you're actually very normal. We all crave validation, we all want to be seen and loved by everyone around us, our friends, our partners, and even our coworkers. It's usually the think that causes us the most stress next to money. I personally feel honored to be growing old with you.