"I became invincible the day you walked away." ~Alexandra Kay
January 17, 2024
It's so fucking hard. I can't do this. Why can't I beg him to come home?
I can't stop being in love with him. Why doesn't he want me?
I just want to go home.
I collapsed to my knees, sobbing and shaking so hard I could barely hold my phone as I sent these text messages. Crying for help.
They listened; she wrote a list to help me remember why I couldn't go home. (I still have that list.) They reminded me about how much love I deserve - more than I ever got before. Most of all, they acknowledged that it was OK to feel all the feelings. That it was OK to be broken-hearted on the floor. That it was likely going to happen again. Days like this are inevitable after 25 years together. I wouldn't be me if I wasn't devastated sometimes.
They sent songs and tiktoks that day, and so many days before and since. I have a playlist called "From the Girls". Those songs have pushed me through. The list kept me from texting him. The songs have stopped my tears many many times. The songs have helped the tears flow to soothe my heartache. We need that too.
Spotify sends me songs based on what I listen to. Around this time, it led me to songs about starting over like "I Can Do Anything" from Alexandra Kay. I'd never heard her before:
We often think we're alone when we go through "it". We feel like we're the only ones who are struggling. But...we aren't alone. Everyone is going through something. For me, it was a divorce that I never thought would happen.
I didn't think I could ever get through it. Days like January 17, 2024, I did not feel invincible. I'll bet there's something you went through that you thought you'd never make it through.
But you did. You're here now. And you're that much stronger. I'm that much stronger. There are days when I feel invincible. I hope you do too. Look at all the things that you and I went through...and made it.
Life in the middle is so much better now than when we were young. I don't wish for younger days anymore. We had all that heartache ahead of us. Now we can look back and know that in this next stage of life; our Second Wind, we'll be able to do anything. When those days come again, we know we can do it for the simple reason that we've done it before.
"I guess I can do anything." ~Alexandra Kay and...Shawna
Image by Nicola Giordano from Pixabay
